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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in nebula82's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, April 23rd, 2005
2:43 pm
Ello, Ello

Quick entry right quick. things are good- been going to the gym with shonah bologna. out with ash and babies. Poker with scott and family. just want to say that I'm feeling better. I have a tendency to let things really get me down sometimes, and i fear they always will, but I need to pull myself out of this funk i've been in and I'm grateful I've been having some help from a very good new friend. (old friend?) whatever. Just wanted to say things are bloody brilliant or at least getting there. Laters.

~Helena

Current Mood: Dynomite with a laserbeam
Sunday, April 17th, 2005
9:10 pm
Hello Everyone,

i guess i'm not sure who I mean when i say everyone. i can probably count on one hand the people who will even read this entry or any for that matter. but i do write at least partly for myself, so here goes.

Serenity is wonderful, starting solid foods, standing by herself, and babbling up a storm. sometimes i look at her and bug out cuz i realize she is constantly learning, every second of everyday, that she's awake. too bad we adults lose that in our daily stupor that we call life. If you haven't seen the movie "Sean of the Dead" yet, see it. It's funny shit if ur intelligent and it's really very accurate- we are all just zombies when it comes down to it.

Been listening to alot of Queen lately for some reason or another. i never really realized just how awesome they really were. Alot of Beatles lately too. I'm just gravitating towards happy music now as opposed to the depressing shit i usually surround myself with. i have enough saddness in my life as it is. I have enormous guilt for what has happened with me and steve and how it will one day affect my daughter. granted everything I've said about him is true, and I'm not sorry he is out of my life now, but he is out of my daughter's life and no matter what i know to be true about what happened and what had to be done, there will still be a hole in her life that i will never fill or want any other to fill. It's a choice he's made as well, but it doesn't ease my heart as much as it should. My eyes have a little less light in them now, and my heart a little more weight, so i drink a little more than i should and speak a little less often, which is probably a good thing, cuz i always say too much. and feel too much.

the ones i love are troubled and i can't even help them anymore. I fell like the blind leading the blind. ash I love you and Shonah too. I wish i was around more for you, but my energy is as low as my spirits most of the time. which has been pretty low lately.

I wonder how many people really know me at all. i haven't exactly let many people in. because when I have, it's hurt me too much at times and all the hurt slowly chips away at what i am. I'm still me, just a little more worn down, a little more tired looking, and a little less. My daughter keeps me happy, and my friends keep my smile coming back, which makes me feel all the worse for being so much less back to them.

i wonder where god is sometimes. if there is a god and if there is what is the meaning of all this? is everything a test because i'm like a D student right now. it's only in my daughter's face and the fact that I'm still alive when i shouldn't be, that makes my belief in anything have any merit at all. Because the rest of this world is pretty stupid sometimes. Our country, our people, our culture- is wack. but then i just made myself laugh because i really used the word wack, so i guess it can't be all that bad.=)

laters

Current Mood: lost
Wednesday, April 13th, 2005
9:27 pm
hey everyone,

thought I'd write down a few thoughts and see where my hands take me. Things have been different around here, for lack of a better word. Things never stay quiet for long. My Grandmother is being psychotic again, so I'm definately feeling the shit from that side of things. I'm very happy because i was able to speak to someone i hadn't spoken to in a long time recently and it lightened a great load off my shoulders, that probably shouldn't have been there. Time heals all wounds i suppose but new ones are always being formed so, are we ever really healed? makes me kinda sad to think that way. I find myself faced with sad situations everyday, that are not even my own, yet hurt just the same because they are of my friends.

I miss people. I miss when my life was a bit simpler. I reget my past at times. The opportunities i missed, the people i left behind, and lessons i had to learn the hard way. It's draining to thimk about. I just keep on remembering that i have awesome friends, that the past can't be changed, and that in the end- I'm awesomer than Steve. He he. I feel better now. Bitch.

Current Mood: bitchy
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2005
2:17 pm
I'm Baaack....
Hello everyone,

well it's been awhile since i've posted so i figured i'd update things a bit. me and steve broke up awhile back and despite numerous attempts to be civil and be friends, i'm afraid no contact at all will be able to happen. i feel sad for my daughter, but i've been hurt too much and for too long and i can't be a good mom if i'm not in a sane state of mind. steve's not exactly father of the year as it is, and i think i accepted a long time ago that i would be doing this on my own. thing is, steve's not really a bad person, just a bad boyfriend and friend accept to those who don't deserve it. that's about all i'm gonna say on the subject- it's a bit too depressing for me right now.

well all else is pretty great, as a matter of fact. serenity is amazing and keeps me happy, sane and busy. my friends are awesome, and to all i haven't been able to see lately or as much-miss you guys. mostly i do see who matters to me. my family's great- everyone helps out alot with the baby and it makes me happy to see her make them so happy. my apartments looking pretty good, i got most of my bills paid off thanks to tax time and opened up an account for her. not to shabby if i do say so myself. i even have lost 20 lbs. since her birth and i'm still working on it with my friend Shonah, so hopefully by the summer, i'll be where i wanna be.

Went to Foxwoods for my birthday a few weeks back- awesome time- good friends- will return i can promise you that. played poker with joe, ash, justin, and will last night and enjoyed that. got the 50 first dates soundtrack- buy it- it rocks.

to Ash and Joe- so sorry for the recent loss of lexie. i'm glad i could be there with you when it happened. she was the most awesome dog ever and i don't think anyone will forget her or the great times we had with her.

well that's about all for now. take care to all those who care enough to tune in. lots of love to all my friends and family.

"tough times don't last; tough people do."

To Steve:

fuck what i said
it don't mean shit now
fuck the presents
mine as well throw em out
fuck all those kisses
they didn't mean jack
fuck you, you HOE
i don't want you back.

~Helena

Current Mood: pissed
Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
6:29 pm
Well let's see where my hands take me.....

I've had alot of time on my hands to think lately, which is probably why mind is so cluttered right now. The other night i was up late and I kind of just looked in on my kid while she slept. She was making all these little sounds in her sleep, nothing in particular, just little shifting sounds and sighing breathing, that sort of thing. I realize how incredibly happy it makes me just to hear that kind of thing. It's crazy to think that this little person who has an attitude and personality,was in my stomach a month ago; how crazy it was when I actually had her, and now when I actually look at her, to think that she came from me. It touched me and brought tears to my eyes.

I haven't always had much respect for my life, or life in general to be honest. I think about what I used to think was so important, and I don't understand it anymore. The people I've lost and the space they left behind. I used to hold on so long and it never did me an ounce of good. I think about the time and energy I basically wasted letting things tear me apart and bring me down. I look at my kid and see another life. One that I helped create in a way. It's like a miracle. I never understood that before. I've spent huge amounts of time and stress on trying to change myself because I've never been happy with it. Trying to become what most people thought was beautiful, and I couldn't deal with the fact that no matter how many crunches I did, how much tanning I went to, or how much I straightened my hair, I couldn't BE that. I listen to my daughter sleep and I know I've never had the slightest clue of what beauty even is. If you have a kid, this makes some sense to you. And if you don't, when you do, you will. It's the most enlightening thing I've ever learned.

There is this Billy Joel song that I've always loved that I've found myself singing to my kid when I put her to sleep at night. I'm sure when it was written, it was meant to show romantic love, but When I sing it I feel like it's just right for her.

She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know I just can't live without her

She's got a way of showing
I don't know what it is
But it follows me when I am going
Anywhere

She comes to me when I'm feeling down
Inspires me without a sound
She touches me
And I get turned around

She's got a smile that heals me
I don't know what it is
But I have to laugh when she reveals me

She's got a way about her
I don't know what it is
But I know that I can't live without her
Anyway.

That's how I sing it to her anyway. I have all this stuff that I can't wait to do with her and teach her, but I'm learning too. However I live my life from now on, is her model on how to do things. I gotta do good, ya know. If anyone has cared enough to check this out, maybe they understand me a little better. See ya later guys.

Current Mood: good
Monday, January 3rd, 2005
5:42 pm
Bestest New Year Ever!!
Well just to update you guys on the good news... Serenity Paige Tavares was born on December 15, 2004 at 10:56 pm. weighing in at 7 lbs. 4 oz. and 21 inches. She is beautiful if I do say so myself... looks nothing like me. She is ALL Steve. Right down to his crazy hair (of which there is a lot of) and cute nose. Labor sucks and it is by far the hardest thing I've ever done... but very well worth the effort. Thanks to everyone who came to see me.. and Thanks to Nicole and Steve for actually being there through it. It was pretty crazy. But my baby stole my heart the first time I saw her. I am in love again.

Christmas was pretty good and New Year's was fun. We went to Boston and it was the first time we left her, so it was hard all the same. We are extremely tired most of the time, but it's becoming very interesting. Taking care of something other than yourself, with someone else is weird.... awesome and weird.

Well that's about it. I can't be on much longer. Just want to say Happy New year to everyone and Thank You God for making me so lucky.

Current Mood: happy
Saturday, December 11th, 2004
4:23 pm
Getting pretty tired of all this waiting bullshit I've had to put up with as of late. I'm supposedly due any day now but i guess she must be perfectly happy where she is and had no intention of leaving her nice warm water bed for the cold shitty world out here. Understandable i suppose- I just need a break from all this...shit.

My parents are complete and total assholes as far as I'm concerned. Not only do I have to live in that fucking hellhole of an apartment, but I have to put up with my Mother's absolute pathetic, and pointless, self-pitying decent into insanity. Yes, I'm aware that I'm crazy, but my mom needs serious help and is totally miserable with her entire life, marriage, situation you name it. She just chooses to take it out on us. i feel worse for my brothers because they get the brunt of it and actually still give a rat's ass if they can do anything about it. My dad is just an asshole in general- total alcoholic, who will never admit that he's wrong, not to mention ignorant and clueless. Not anything incredibly surprising to me mind you... we've never exactly been close or anything. But he starting to make my grandmother look alright to me, which is no easy task. At least my mom used to be okay enough to deal with. Now i hear them scream at each other, and I mean SCREAM, pretty much everyday at least once usually in the very earrly morning or late night. I need to move out of here, for my own fucking sanity. i don't want my kid around this shit.

Everything else is pretty good. My friends are great and I appreciate them even if i don't get to see everyone as much as I'd like. My baby shower was pretty goddamn phat! I got so much shit...which is nice, but i actually had alot of fun. My family managed to get through it without fighting, at least to my knowledge and my friends from Boston came down along with all my local homies and shit.. yo. UM...anyways went to see the spongebob squarepants movie- shut up cuz it was fucking awesome- and my best friend Nicole got engaged. I'm way happy for her- Colin is the shit. AND i got a hamster.. aw yeah. It's female but I named her Chester anyway cuz i like that name and i thought it was a male... You know me and my gender confusion and all.

Well i guess that's pretty much all she wrote. Things are pretty much still uneventful and I can't really start doing a couple of the things i want to do until after the baby is born.. so I return to what seems like to be the eternal wait for her coming. My bills are getting paid and all so i guess it could be worse. Steve is considering going back into the military some time soon so we'll have to see how that works out. Wish i could do it. But that would mean that even if I could get through it, I'd have to leave my daughter and that seems not possible for me. Something I should have done years ago.. Like so many other things. Oh well- I hate regretting shit. It's pretty pointless all in all. We had lunch with Joe and Ash and co. with some pretty horrible service at Friendly's in N.D, but it's pretty much all worth it seeing Joe flip on a crazy waitress and then have a frantic bathroom attack on the way home. Awesome.

Well peace out then to all who stopped to read, unless i hate you.. then Fuck off and die, K? Later.

Current Mood: impatient
Friday, October 15th, 2004
1:07 pm
It's been quite awhile since I've been on, so i figured I'd use the this rare opportunity to post a little something.

Well, let me see...I'm still pregnant, but anyone who's seen me lately has no question of that. Not something I plan on doing again, I can surley let you know.

I have about six weeks left and I don't know if it's the time frame or my frame of mind lately, but I realize I have a lot of changes I need to make, both in myself and in my life. I haven't been as responsible or as decent of a person and friend as I could have been. I apologize for that. Unfortunatley, those who I would really want to read this, aren't really frequent readers of LJ, if at all. I suppose that's how it goes. The people i wish could read this, probably won't. There is an absence of certain people in my life that saddens me whenever I dwell on it. I would hope that they know who they are. Unfortunately, I have this really ridiculous pride that prevents me from remedying any of it. I wouldn't know where to begin.

Unfortunately, this past week I had a rather unpleasant incident involving a creepy ex-boyfriend from way long ago who thought I'd want to talk to him for some reason or another. I swear, no one I'd ever want to be in touch with, ever trys to contact me. I did run into my friend Licelot at Umass, which was awesome cuz it had been awhile since we'd spoken and I miss and love her to death. I've been pretty lazy and cooped up in my house for awhile, and I eventually will need to venture out into civilization after my daughter is born. Do you have any idea how wierd it is to say "my daughter"? It's fucking too much sometimes.

Well Tonight is poker night at my friend Scott's, so i need to prep myself for the humiliation and loss of money. take care.

Current Mood: contemplative
Wednesday, July 28th, 2004
1:33 pm
Guess What?
It's a girl!!!!!!!!

Yeah!!!!

I win!!!!!

Current Mood: happy
Thursday, July 8th, 2004
2:56 pm
Things are getting better!!

And where in the world is my Candy?????

AHHHHH!!!!

Current Mood: happy
Wednesday, June 30th, 2004
4:18 pm
Haven't been around for a bit so I figured I'd Put some of my thoughts on paper (screen, whatever). I've been feeling kind of lost lately to be honest with you. It sounds really selfish to feel like everything is pointless when you're pregnant and bringing a child into the world, but I honestly feel like that. I'm having problems registering for classes next semester because of a tuition problem, so i don't know if I'll be able to resume classes this September. It makes me so angry. Frustrating to the point of insanity. Like I don't have anything to do as it is. Steve works all day, all the time and I.... well... what exactly do I do? Eat? Get fat? Read? That's about it. Useless as fuck. Most of my friends aren't around anymore, and to be quite honest I'm starting to realize I don't miss them all that much. I'm bored and frustrated and melancholy most of the time. I hate it. And I don't know what to do about it.

I honestly try to look on the bright side. I have a family who's always there for me and loves me no matter what. I have a few good friends who have been around for me, and they know who they are. (Not who you think believe it or not- those who've been absent know who THEY are as well.) I hate to have shitty feelings toward anyone anymore, but a few still exist. People are just so pointless sometimes. I wonder why I bother caring about people at all. It's such a waste. But I guess if I have some people who love me, that should count for something. Trust me, sometimes I don't understand why or how Steve can possible love me no matter what I do. I honestly believe that he deserves better. I'm not really easy to be around right now. I pray to God something happens soon to make me feel differently about things. I need it.

Goodbye and Take Care Everyone.


~Helena

Current Mood: Lost
Tuesday, June 1st, 2004
8:19 pm
Ok guys, here goes.....

I got to hear the baby's heart beat today. I actually cried a little. I can't believe this is really happening to me. It became so REAL today. Shit, I'm scared. I know it sounds weird, but I realize....I'm not a kid anymore. I'm having a kid. You'd think I'd have been used to it by three months. But I guess I'm not. I'm so scared. I know, I already said that. I just am.

I also feel like my friends haven't been around for awhile. I wonder if people think pregnancy is contagious or something=) I guess I should have expected it. Just stings a little I guess. Or maybe people just get tired of dealing with tired, grouchy, non-substance using people. Understandable, I guess. Can't say I'd jump at the chance to hang out with someone fitting that description. Sucks when you are that person, though. Fuck it.

I've recently decided that maintaining negative feelings toward anyone is not only pointless and tiring, but unhealthy and sad. I have therefore vowed to forget about stupid shit that has happened between me and various other people in my life and try to remember the reasons they were in my life to begin with. People fuck up and make mistakes. I have done my share and then some; I am FAR from perfect, so who am I to hold a grudge? Plus disliking or hating people just feels horrible. I'm straight with that. I've talked to some people I've cut out, and I'm glad I did. There are still a few more out there, but I figure if they are worth talking to, they'll emerge sooner or later.

Well I'm out.

Love you Steve-o,
~Helena

Current Mood: scared shitless
Sunday, May 23rd, 2004
8:04 pm
Hey People,

Well I guess it's been awhile since I've been on and for some pretty good reasons I guess. I've had a lot on my plate lately and I've been doing the best I can with it.

I found out awhile back that I'm pregnant and that came to me as quite a shock since I've always been told that that wasn't really possible. Like I went to the doctor's and asked for a test and she said " I wouldn't worry about it." Then I got a call the next day saying "well, guess what...?" It shook me pretty hard. I mean, in a way, it's something I always wanted and just accepted not happening, but I also wasn't asking for it. I'm about 2 1/2 months along and I'm sick constantly. I'm exhausted all the time. And I have the constant knowledge that my actions don't just affect me anymore. I have to take care of myself, even if I'm not used to it. I'm scared to be a parent. I feel like I can't take care of myself sometimes, much less another life. I've always taken care of others better than myself, to be honest. My family isn't exactly being supportive right now either. Not because I'm pregnant believe it or not. But because I'm not being married in the catholic church. My mother won't go to my wedding because it's not a Catholic wedding. Yeah. It makes me want cry to be honest with you.

School is finally over, thank goodness. I've had other things on my mind. I've been told that Pregnancy is shitty at times, but I had no idea it made you such a bitch. I'm sure more than a few people would say I've always been a bitch, but that's besides the point. I hate everyone and everything lately. I've been quite depressed lately. I hate feeling sick and exhausted all the time, hate gaining weight, hate worrying about my baby. My family sucks at times, even Steve's family has been better to me. It's sad.

Well that's about it for now. I guess I just have to hope for the best and be thankful for the friends I do have. And for Steve of course. I will always be thankful for him. He's been my greatest friend. Things are pretty good considering. I mean right now, I'm sitting here, soaking my feet waiting for a pedicure from no one other than DJ Nips. Lol. Take Care all.

Love, Peace, and Babygrease

~Helena

Current Mood: contemplative
Thursday, April 8th, 2004
10:56 am
What Does It Mean To Better Oneself?
Hey Guys,

I realize that I usually don't post this frequently, but I find that putting my thoughts down on paper...er..screen? actually helps me sort shit out, believe it or not.

I've been trying to motivate myself to do...well everything lately. Because I have been pretty down on myself lately, it's resulted in a lot of factors in my life being neglected, which is just another consequence of my self-loathing mood. My school work isn't as awesome as I know it could be, and I realize this when a professor can pick me out in a class of 100 people which he never takes attendance, and tell me he knows I'm not working in there and how often I'm not there at all. Says he knows What I can do and I'm not doing it. Not to mention it has put such a negative spin on my writing and choice of topics. But when you don't even feel like BEING in school or anywhere but home and with friends, it can make you put so little effort into some things. Not that some of my cynical views and ideas aren't good, especially in my writing, but when your English professor tells you to smile and that it's "not so bad", than you know you are reflecting a lot of negativity.

Yesterday I went on a weird cleaning frenzy with the apartment while Steve-o was at work- I mean like 6 or 7 hours of cleaning, organizing, and mostly moving furtiture around. I actually did like four loads of laundry including bathrobes and sheets and comforters. I put up pictures, layed down a new rug in the kitchen and scrubbed and vacuumed under everything. I felt like my grandmother when I flipped the matress and then I knew I had to chill out. It was just stuff I needed to do and it payed off cause the place really looks good now. It's just out of place because Steve usually does stuff like that while I'm at work in the morning or at school.
He's definatly cleaner than I am; I'll admit I'm a slob, but I cleaned the oven yesterday guys. Yeah.

I got up and was actually EARLY for my 8:00 class today so of course my professor picked today to be twenty minutes late so I could have been late as usual. I have been working a bit more on my lit. paper and am just taking a break to post some shit. I plan to use both my breaks today to just focus on that and my portfolio which is due soon. I still feel stressed especially because I should have kept up with this shit. Oh well, I can only try harder now, no use beating myself up about it.

My other primary problem that I need to get a handle on is my whole self- image thing. I've managed to maintain my weight for the past two months which is, admittingly, the lowest I 've ever been pretty much, but I'm still unhappy because I could have kept losing weight like I had been and been at my goal by now. I really just want to be more active and tone up- drop like 15 or 20 pounds at the very most. My appearance gets in my way sometimes, in the weirdest ways. I'm less confident in other things; I want to go out less. A lot less. Just thinking about finding something to wear out is enough to make me just want to go to bed instead. Shit, I'm 22 years old and I fell like I have the social life of a 40 year old. I may be getting married but I don't want us to turn into an old married couple already. Never, actually. I want to be having fun and going out when I'm like 70. And Steve turns 21 this year- I want to be able to show him a good time, you know? Look good for him in an old fashioned sort of way I guess. Especially since he looks good, all the fucking time, without even trying. Pisses me off sometimes...stupid cute nose...oops sorry, where was I? oh yeah.. me fixing shit.. riight. I just really need to get motivated about it because i know once I do, I'm good. Shit, I used to be almost 240 lbs. back in the day, if I can get to where I am than I can lose another 20 pounds no problem. I know I can do it- I want summer to be awesome- to be beautiful in my wedding dress. That's enough motivation to help me do anything.

Anyway wish me luck in all my endeavors. Hopefully they will all pay off as I hope they will. It can all only improve my already great life.

Much Love,
~Helena

Current Mood: rejuvenated
Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
11:26 am
A short one but a good one..
Hey guys,

I'm afraid I have to keep it short, due to all the shit I need to get done. (I'm sure everyone is heartbroken on that count..)
I just want to touch base with current events and log how continuously great things continue to be, even in the wake of some not-so-good things happening.

It's no secret to anyone I know that I am or at least haven't been the happiest person in the world. I'm bipolar and have done some stupid shit in the past both to others but mostly to myself. I have had some pretty bad bouts with depression, to say the least, and have always had a horrible self concept and critical nature with myself. I have a great family and some really amazing friends that I know love me tremendously. I've let the loss of insignificant people in my life affect me too strongly and the opinion of some of these same unimportant people shape and hurt me too deeply. In short, I've forgotten what and who really matters.

I have been down on myself lately. Despite my amazing and beautiful person of a fiance, Steve, who shows me how much he loves me every hour of everyday, in so many different ways. I'm not happy with myself at all. I hate how I look, loathe it actually, and wish i was a better student, friend, fiance, daughter and sister to those in my life. I feel inadequate all the time, no matter how much I'm told how beautiful, intelligent, or great I am, by others. It's about how I honestly see myself and it's not any of those things. And I realize that that is hurting me and my life in general.

I'm vowing to do better and improve upon the things in my life that I want to improve on. I'm going to stop feeling so shitty about myself and do something about it, because I know I can. My shitty self image may still be around, but my hopelessness is totally gone and has been replaced with the support and worth of the many people I love and I know who love me. To Steve, first and foremost, to Amanda, Nicky, Scott, Jeff, Amy, Matt, Aaron, Licelot, my family and anyone else who has been my friend throughout everything- Thank You, you have kept me alive, in so many ways. You enable me to achieve happiness by the happiness you give to me.

Well, so much for keeping it short, huh?

Much Love,
~Helena

Current Mood: determined
Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
12:13 pm
Such is Life...
Hello Everyone,

Well all I can say is that things are moving along speedily in my life. Our apartment is coming along slowly but surely; we even had some friends over for Dinner the other night. How domestic is that? I can't believe it myself. Steve has been working his ass off at work for us and I am eternally thankful for him everyday of my life. I see how hard he works and how much he tries to better himself and us. He is an amazement to me. I love him so much.

School is starting to pull out all the stops as far as my workload goes, but I've actually been enjoying the challenge as it's been thrown at me. I have so much more confidence in myself and my life. Work is awesome. My client is doing better and better and I actually found out he asked for me, not automatically his wife when he woke up from his nap at the day care the other day. That just warmed my heart. It lets me know that I'm important to him on some small level, as a caregiver. It's great.

Steve-o gave me the sickest pipe the other day as a gift. He knows I've never owned my own glass peice and how much I would have loved it. It has a swirly, blue and white design and looks kind of like an exaggerated detective's pipe. I'm calling it Holmes in honor of his peice, Watson. Oh, fun times are certainly ahead.

My family has been good and my friends, awesome. That's about all I have to report on. So until next time, stay tuned- Same bat time, Same bat station. Peace.

~Helena

Current Mood: stoned
Monday, March 22nd, 2004
12:56 am
Too good to be true...
Hello Everyone,

I am so happy guys. I don't know how one person can be so lucky. I wake up and bug out sometimes on the gifts God has given me. I keep thinking I must be sleeping... because it all just seems like a dream to me. A beautiful dream.
And i am so thankful for my life.

School starts up again this week and I am actually really amped up for it. I 'm writing a paper on the cult classic, "A Clockwork Orange", for my English class. Why such a fucked up film, you may ask? Well my professor has to submit one paper from each of his classes to the English department as an example of Freshman student writing. He specifically asked me to do this film based soley on it's controversy and the kind of in depth political analysis that can be derived from it. My paper will probably not be chosen but just the fact that I was approached with it is kind of a big deal for me. My writing has gotten so much better this semester and it keeps progressing as I get challenged more and more. This class is so great because it does that for me. My music class is so bomb as well. My professor is totally into his music and it is awesome being a part of it all. It actually pisses me off that some kids don't even try to appreciate any other kind of music than what they listen to. They don't realize how much they limit themselves by closing their minds to different experiences. Music is so awesome like that. It ignites your mind. That's what Steve-o does for me. He ignites my mind with his intellect and his unique perspective on everything. I want to be a better person because of him.

My parents and I have been renovating the third floor for me and Steve and I'm really gassed about it all. I still can't believe everything has worked out so beautifully. I couldn't ask for anything more in my life.

Much love and best wishes to all.

~Helena~

Current Mood: optimistic
Friday, March 19th, 2004
7:54 pm
Hello Everyone,

I am at an amazing point in my life that I neither expected nor was ready for. But I guess in some way, I've been waiting for it my whole life. I'm a bit scared, or excited or maybe both. I just can't believe how lucky I am or how beautiful things have worked out. I picked out my engagement ring on Wednesday. Yeah. Me.

I have been told that I am the most cynical person in the world, because quite honestly, I've been let down and shit on so much I've always felt that I'm merely realistic. I lost faith in love and people in general, until now. Steve, you've taught me that love is real and happiness is not just a vague concept I could never grasp. You have faith in me and that gives me worth I haven't had in...well..ever. So many others have tried to reach me, but you were the one. I love waking up next to you everyday and eating breakfast with you and my family. I love that you call my mom ,mama (I think she does too). I can't wait till the day when ur name follows mine.
You are my baby and soon you'll be my husband. Wow. You don't know how lucky that makes me feel.

In closing, to a certain person who has let me down time and time again- I hope you find what it is you are looking for. Even if you never read this, in my heart, I still wish you well. Deep down, you will always be in my heart.

Much Love to everyone.

~Helena

Current Mood: excited
Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
4:33 pm
Hey Guys,
Happy St. Patty's Day to everyone; Make sure you go out and have a drink to celebrate. Not that you should need a REASON to get drunk... but it's a good reason anyhow.

Finally got off my ass and did some school shit today- Hey, it's Spring Break- lucky i did anything at all, right? Anyhoo, I feel like I'm on top of the world lately, despite recent attempts to try and bring me down by some people. I just know who matters. I have a really cool project I'm working on for school as a part of my English portfolio for my Lit. Class. I can actually get psyched about school shit. I really do love learning new things and I'm so gassed about finishing school and doing what I Want to do for my life.

My grandma threw this big party this past weekend and me,my boyfriend, my dad, and all my aunts and cousins and shit stayed up and got drunk. We played quarters, which is so Portuguese, and then a ridiculous game of Asshole. Really good time. I fucking love my family sometimes, even if they DO drive me crazy. I'm enjoying my job more and more everyday. My client and his wife are so nice and really interesting believe it or not. You can really learn alot from older people sometimes. Steve-o just got a new job that he's really psyched about and I'm so proud of him. He wrote me this beautiful poem the other day while I was at work:

Mystical thoughts
In a trance-like resolution
Carry my Love
Into a new evolution

Magical troughs
Of the sweetest temptation
Have caused my body
To quicken circulation
Overflowing euphoria
Such an extreme sensation

You mouth the words,"I love you"
Like a toxic incantation
At the top of my lungs
without hesitation
I scream back those words
My life-long exclamation

I love you baby.

Fucking Right Doggie!

~Helena

Current Mood: indescribable
Thursday, March 11th, 2004
11:06 am
"To See You When I wake Up...."
Hello All
Well all i can say is that I have recently found happiness I have not known in years. This amazing person who has been under my nose for the longest time and I just didn't realize it. A connection like I have never known or had before with anyone. He reads my mind and feels my thoughts and makes me smile in a way I didn't know I had in me anymore. I feel safe, if that makes any sense. I don't even care if I make sense to people anymore. I wake up so happy and go to bed so peacefully knowing someone like him is out there thinking of me the same way I'm thinking of him. Never have I felt security of my soul and ease in my stride as I do now. I appreciate everything in my life all the more because I've found this kind of feeling of worth that only comes from a certain kind of companionship; the best friend ever. A fitting together so perfectly, I wonder how I've been breathing all this time. This sounds cheesy as fuck, but you have no idea how easily all this has come to me.

I just aced my last three midterms with so much confidence you'd think I wrote my textbook. I just got a home care postition with my agency that seems like it's going to be really fulfilling for both me and my patient. I love my family and treasure my friends. Shit I even went blond for my birthday and it's funny because i like it more and more as time passes. And I finally "cleaned out some old closets" I guess you could say for lack of a better word; it's amazing because it's something I've been needing to do for the longest time and have finally had the balls and closure to do so. I finally feel the strength that the tattoo on my arm signifies. I know I sound like a conceited ass, but i feel like I can do anything latley. I'm that awesome.

Speaking of which, thanks to Uncle Sam,Tattoo #4 is on the way beginning of next month, designed by no one other than the person I've been blabbing about all this time and I can't wait.
Funny how you can look forward to pain like that... well I guess there are some kinds of pain that are always fun.. tee hee. OOps sorry...where was I? Oh yeah! Tattoos riight...it's going to be beautiful, even my mom likes it. I guess I'll sign off now and leave you with a song verse that sums up my feelings lately. Oh and by the way.. to all the fucking stupid people who have missed out on my life for whatever reason... FUCK YOU SHIT STAINS!!!!!! I'm too happy to give a shit about worthless people anymore. BIG HUGS to all my people!! Amanda I love you!! Muah!!

To see you when I wake up is a gift
I didn't think could be real
To know that you feel the same as I do
Is a three fold Utopian Dream

You do something to me
That I can't explain
So would I be out of line if I said
I miss you.

Current Mood: beautiful
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