nebula82 (nebula82) wrote,
nebula82
nebula82

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A short one but a good one..

Hey guys,

I'm afraid I have to keep it short, due to all the shit I need to get done. (I'm sure everyone is heartbroken on that count..)
I just want to touch base with current events and log how continuously great things continue to be, even in the wake of some not-so-good things happening.

It's no secret to anyone I know that I am or at least haven't been the happiest person in the world. I'm bipolar and have done some stupid shit in the past both to others but mostly to myself. I have had some pretty bad bouts with depression, to say the least, and have always had a horrible self concept and critical nature with myself. I have a great family and some really amazing friends that I know love me tremendously. I've let the loss of insignificant people in my life affect me too strongly and the opinion of some of these same unimportant people shape and hurt me too deeply. In short, I've forgotten what and who really matters.

I have been down on myself lately. Despite my amazing and beautiful person of a fiance, Steve, who shows me how much he loves me every hour of everyday, in so many different ways. I'm not happy with myself at all. I hate how I look, loathe it actually, and wish i was a better student, friend, fiance, daughter and sister to those in my life. I feel inadequate all the time, no matter how much I'm told how beautiful, intelligent, or great I am, by others. It's about how I honestly see myself and it's not any of those things. And I realize that that is hurting me and my life in general.

I'm vowing to do better and improve upon the things in my life that I want to improve on. I'm going to stop feeling so shitty about myself and do something about it, because I know I can. My shitty self image may still be around, but my hopelessness is totally gone and has been replaced with the support and worth of the many people I love and I know who love me. To Steve, first and foremost, to Amanda, Nicky, Scott, Jeff, Amy, Matt, Aaron, Licelot, my family and anyone else who has been my friend throughout everything- Thank You, you have kept me alive, in so many ways. You enable me to achieve happiness by the happiness you give to me.

Well, so much for keeping it short, huh?

Much Love,
~Helena
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