nebula82 (nebula82) wrote,
nebula82
nebula82

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What Does It Mean To Better Oneself?

Hey Guys,

I realize that I usually don't post this frequently, but I find that putting my thoughts down on paper...er..screen? actually helps me sort shit out, believe it or not.

I've been trying to motivate myself to do...well everything lately. Because I have been pretty down on myself lately, it's resulted in a lot of factors in my life being neglected, which is just another consequence of my self-loathing mood. My school work isn't as awesome as I know it could be, and I realize this when a professor can pick me out in a class of 100 people which he never takes attendance, and tell me he knows I'm not working in there and how often I'm not there at all. Says he knows What I can do and I'm not doing it. Not to mention it has put such a negative spin on my writing and choice of topics. But when you don't even feel like BEING in school or anywhere but home and with friends, it can make you put so little effort into some things. Not that some of my cynical views and ideas aren't good, especially in my writing, but when your English professor tells you to smile and that it's "not so bad", than you know you are reflecting a lot of negativity.

Yesterday I went on a weird cleaning frenzy with the apartment while Steve-o was at work- I mean like 6 or 7 hours of cleaning, organizing, and mostly moving furtiture around. I actually did like four loads of laundry including bathrobes and sheets and comforters. I put up pictures, layed down a new rug in the kitchen and scrubbed and vacuumed under everything. I felt like my grandmother when I flipped the matress and then I knew I had to chill out. It was just stuff I needed to do and it payed off cause the place really looks good now. It's just out of place because Steve usually does stuff like that while I'm at work in the morning or at school.
He's definatly cleaner than I am; I'll admit I'm a slob, but I cleaned the oven yesterday guys. Yeah.

I got up and was actually EARLY for my 8:00 class today so of course my professor picked today to be twenty minutes late so I could have been late as usual. I have been working a bit more on my lit. paper and am just taking a break to post some shit. I plan to use both my breaks today to just focus on that and my portfolio which is due soon. I still feel stressed especially because I should have kept up with this shit. Oh well, I can only try harder now, no use beating myself up about it.

My other primary problem that I need to get a handle on is my whole self- image thing. I've managed to maintain my weight for the past two months which is, admittingly, the lowest I 've ever been pretty much, but I'm still unhappy because I could have kept losing weight like I had been and been at my goal by now. I really just want to be more active and tone up- drop like 15 or 20 pounds at the very most. My appearance gets in my way sometimes, in the weirdest ways. I'm less confident in other things; I want to go out less. A lot less. Just thinking about finding something to wear out is enough to make me just want to go to bed instead. Shit, I'm 22 years old and I fell like I have the social life of a 40 year old. I may be getting married but I don't want us to turn into an old married couple already. Never, actually. I want to be having fun and going out when I'm like 70. And Steve turns 21 this year- I want to be able to show him a good time, you know? Look good for him in an old fashioned sort of way I guess. Especially since he looks good, all the fucking time, without even trying. Pisses me off sometimes...stupid cute nose...oops sorry, where was I? oh yeah.. me fixing shit.. riight. I just really need to get motivated about it because i know once I do, I'm good. Shit, I used to be almost 240 lbs. back in the day, if I can get to where I am than I can lose another 20 pounds no problem. I know I can do it- I want summer to be awesome- to be beautiful in my wedding dress. That's enough motivation to help me do anything.

Anyway wish me luck in all my endeavors. Hopefully they will all pay off as I hope they will. It can all only improve my already great life.

Much Love,
~Helena
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